With Erik recently leaving I have been reading different articles and such on the phases of emotions before, during, and after deployment. They are all very informative and helpful to know what to prepare for, but as my emotions were in a jumbled mess I began to feel very afraid.
One of the things that I read from various different sources is that no matter what, each person will have changed and will have gone through something difficult. This got me thinking that it is inevitable that we will never be able to go back to life as it was before he left. Things will never be the same. He will have new experiences and will have grown over the months, and so will I. As this began to sink in I kept hearing myself say, "I don't want to have to do this," "This is not what I signed up for," "This isn't fair," "I don't want to have to change and be strong."
The fact of the matter is, though, that I will be strong. For Erik, for Galen, and for myself. I will manage. I will grow. I will change. I will figure it out. Whether or not I want to but because this is my life and this is what I'm doing. And then I thought, "Well, wait a minute, why am I even looking at this as such a negative thing?" Many would say that deployment is a very trying, difficult, and challanging time, and I wouldn't disagree with them, but those things don't autimatically mean "bad".
Whenever we experience something new, grow, are challanged, or enter into a new phase of life, it isn't comfortable, it isn't easy, but these things are necessary in order to grow and learn. It's called a pruning phase. I don't want to go into this just counting down the days until it will be over (although I absolutely will be doing that), that isn't all I want to be thinking. It is a time that Erik and I will have to strenthen our bond, in creative ways we have never had to consider before. It will be a time to learn about ourselves as individuals. I personally am expecting and excited to rely on Erik less. I will undoubtedly consider myself a very needy gal: needing to be told goodnight every night, wanting to hear from him as often as possible, etc., etc. Hopefully this time apart will help teach me more about myself and to not need those things as much, especially since I can't have them.
Also, after praying and talking to my best friend, I realized that I was going into this whole thing with absolutely the wrong perspective! Anyone who thinks negatively all the time will only experience the negative parts of life. I firmly believe in positive confession, positive outlook, and positive results. In order to remain in a peaceful state of being, there are certain things I must do, and if you find yourself feeling frantic, anxious, or uneasy, I would recommend finding what helps you feel peaceful and doing that. every. day. For me, it's journaling, praying, and a mediditation/devotion. Each morning I need to wake up and tell myself that I can do this, good things are going to happen, and Erik and I will be reunited and will have the opportunity to become even closer than before! That's the real bounty here! Don't focus on what you're losing, because what you can gain will outweigh it 1000 times to 1. You can become a more healthy, well-rounded, stable individual and in turn will create a more supporive, encouraging, and pleasant partner for your spouse when they return. When your spouse returns you can have the patience to allow them to readjust. You can have the clarity to see past the day to day struggles and focus on the bigger picture: enjoying your life together with this person. You can become a stronger couple than before and have a more enriching and fulfilling relationship than you have ever have.
One thing that I like about deployment is that it is a set amount of time, albeit a possibly changing amount of time, but it a set amount of time nonetheless. It will end. In which case it is a great opportunity to set some goals for yourself to accomplish while your spouse is away. Create an atmosphere in your home and life that will be even better than when they left. Create health goals, financial goals, business goals, anything that you have wanted to accomplish and choose this time to do it! It's always a good time to set goals for yourself, but with an actual end time in place it is easier to stay on track and have something to look forward to.
I fully understand that a deployment is one of the most difficult things a family can experience, but it doesn't have to be all bad. Choose to look for the good and those things will help carry you through when you miss them like crazy, when you feel crazy, when other people are being crazy, and when you just don't think you can bear it anymore. At least that's my plan.
xo JC
